Provide methods for moving past harsh self-criticism and toward cultivating a more compassionate self-image.
Ever find yourself saying hurtful things to yourself that you wouldn’t dare say to a loved one? Your inner critic—a persistent voice of negativity, criticism, and self-doubt—is speaking.
If I asked you to explain the features you like best about your face and how beautiful it is, would you say that? When was the last time you truly gave yourself credit for overcoming all of your life’s silent struggles? How long would it actually take to list all of your abilities, traits, and strengths?
I respect it if you are self-aware and self-assured, but if you are still learning how to manage your life, improve yourself, and put your health first, I hope you find insights here.
The harshest assessor in the mental courtroom is the inner critic.
In your mind, picture yourself delivering a speech to a hundred people. How do you feel when people ignore you, judge you, stare at you expressionlessly, and use their phones?
Now picture yourself in a courtroom, presenting your case, and you are the judge. Your brain will determine whether to accept or reject the idea, and your inner critic will smash the gavel each time you make a mistake, reminding you of all your shortcomings. This judge’s harshness was formed by internalized criticisms, cultural expectations, and prior experiences.
Regaining Your Perspective: Feelings Are Not Facts
Realizing that emotions are not facts is one of the most important lessons in calming your inner critic. Even though our feelings are real and should be acknowledged, they don’t necessarily reflect the situation’s actual facts.
Verifiable statements are called facts. Personal interpretations of the facts that vary from person to person are called opinions. The reality that the sky is blue and the belief that the weather is lovely are two examples.
Even if you are aware of the distinction between facts and views, your brain does not always make this distinction between the two. Sometimes negative beliefs, such “I’m a bad person,” are taken as truth. These beliefs may exacerbate stress, negative thinking, and other issues even in the absence of proof.
You can’t seem to shake a bad feeling. Being stuck in an emotional state indicates that it is maintained by cognitive patterns. For example, you may notice that you have been irritated all morning or have had a sensation of dread throughout the day. Most certainly, there are thoughts that feed such emotions.
You’re struggling to act in accordance with your objectives. Maybe you can’t bring yourself to follow through on your goals, or you keep finding excuses not to face your concerns. For example, a student may procrastinate writing a paper because they believe, “It’s not going to be any good.” In contrast, the proper beliefs can motivate us to act.
We criticize ourselves, but why?
1. Origins in Evolution
The roots of self-criticism lie in survival. To stay safe, early people had to be able to identify and fix their errors. However, this system has overreached itself in the modern world, punishing us for insignificant transgressions like skipping a meeting or overindulging in cake.
2. Conditioning
Do you recall the parent who stated, “You could’ve done better,” or the teacher who reprimanded you for giving the incorrect response? Self-talk is typically internalized as a result of repeated external criticism.
We frequently contrast our behind-the-scenes footage with others’ highlight reels in the era of social media. This feeds the inner critic and intensifies feelings of inadequacy.
The brain’s default mode network (DMN), which activates during introspection, is frequently linked to the inner critic. According to research, self-compassion and mindfulness exercises can calm the DMN and lessen self-critical thoughts.
Three essential components are involved in self-compassion, according to Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research:
- Self-kindness: Treating yourself with compassion.
- Common humanity: Understanding that everyone faces difficulties.
- Being mindful means examining your ideas objectively.
Self-Compassion Development: Converting the Judge into a Supporter
Think of your thoughts as a garden. The overgrown plant that suffocates the blossoms of joy and self-worth is self-criticism. You must sow the seeds of self-compassion and gently pluck out the weeds if you want to change.
- Bring a pair of shoes to the front of you.
- Think of each shoe as belonging to a person you love very much. Envision their challenges, fears, and victories.
- Put yourself in their position now. What encouraging phrases would you use to reassure and encourage them?
- Put yourself back in your own shoes. Consider how you can treat yourself with the same compassion.
- Speaking out loud, stand in front of a mirror and declare, “I am enough just as I am.”
- “I am learning, growing, and healing.”
- Do this every day until it comes naturally.
Respond to these questions to confront your inner critic: What advice would I give a buddy going through this?
Zara’s Healing Journey:
It always seemed to Zara like she was running a marathon that she would never finish. People would always take advantage of her and never provide her the affection she deserves, no matter how hard she tried. She was frequently misheard and labelled as a difficult person, which made her feel as like she was asking for too much or didn’t deserve love. Over time, she began to doubt herself and believe that something was wrong with her. Her inner critic was louder than a megaphone and present during every misstep and setback.
She came upon an old diary from her adolescence one day. She glimpsed a younger, more optimistic version of herself as she turned the pages. “What became of her?” Zara pondered.
After considering how outgoing and friendly she was known as in college, it seemed as like her own self had vanished, as she frequently encountered one hardship after another. She made the decision to go to therapy and eventually came to terms with the fact that she is deserving of love, that she doesn’t deserve this, and that whether or not others find her nice doesn’t define her.
She made the decision to write her younger self the following letter:
Hello Zara,
I apologize for treating you so harshly. You were bold, inquisitive, and energetic. You are still. Together, rather than as victim and critic, let’s travel this path as partners.
Something changed at that time. Zara started out small, substituting “I can’t” with “I’ll try” and accepting her own mistakes. Her inner critic gradually gave way to her inner supporter.
Journal Exercises to Investigate and Restore
Compose a letter to the person you were younger.
- How would you help and encourage them?
- Tell about a moment when you conquered a challenge. Now, how do you employ that strength?
- Think about who you will be in ten years. Today, what guidance would they offer you?
Test: The Influence of Rephrasing
Feeling agitated and irritated by life’s circumstances?
It is not necessary to fight, to struggle with, or to criticize your thoughts. When you realize what you’re thinking, you can decide not to follow it.
Now take a few moments to focus on the thoughts present in your mind.
Close your eyes and visualize yourself sitting in a movie theater, gazing at a blank screen, as a practice. You only have to wait for ideas to come. Since all you are doing is waiting for thoughts to arrive to you, you could become acutely aware of them very quickly. Exactly what are they? What became of them? Like magical exhibits, thoughts seem real when we are in the middle of them, but they usually change as we look more closely.
The effectiveness of rephrasing negative sentiments has been researched by psychologists. In one well-known experiment, participants wrote down their critical views about themselves and then rewrote them from a sympathetic standpoint. The outcomes demonstrated improved emotional resilience and decreased stress.
Try this:
- Put your most critical thoughts about yourself in writing.
- Transform every critique into a kind, helpful statement.
For instance:
Critique: “I’m terrible at this!”
Reframe: “Every mistake helps me grow, and I’m still learning.”
Adaptation to healthy living:
Do you often feel lethargic and exhausted? You want to be active and take control of your life, but your brain frequently seems numb, and you can’t seem to move out of this perpetually tired state. This state of mind generates anxiety and overwhelm with a slew of tasks to complete and undue pressure, exacerbating your tension and leaving you restless and panicked.
Make a list of your daily activities from morning to bedtime.
Once done, go down the list and categorize each one as:
- Nurturing action nourishes you.
- Draining activity (something that exhausts you)
- Mastery action (something unpleasant at the moment but satisfying once completed, such as defrosting the fridge or cleaning out your cupboards).
- Make a conscious decision to increase activities that benefit you.
- Make a conscious decision to limit activities that drain you.
- Keep track of your well-being as you consciously do so. You may want to keep a weekly diary to assist you become more aware of this activity.
“Come back” Technique:
When you catch yourself being caught up in worries or in a judgemental interaction with another, just notice that this is happening and simply say to yourself: “come back”. Then take a breath and focus on what you are doing in the here and now.
Keep in mind that your inner critic is a misdirected watchdog, not an enemy. You can change the story by showing it care and empathy. Consider this trip to be like polishing a diamond. A gem—your really self, dazzling and deserving of love—lies behind the layers of criticism.
Are you prepared to embrace your inner cheerleader and silence the critic? Let’s begin now, one act of kindness at a time.
